Puns Bad Enough to Come Back Round to Good - Part 3
Puns are great and quick way to make someone laugh or give you a nasty look! Give it a go and see if your friend has a sense of humor. It's always funnier if they're slow to get the pun.
The exhibitionist went to the store because he heard they were having a flash sale.
Visitors to Cuba are usually Havana good time.
What is the difference between a frog and a cat? A frog croaks all the time, a cat only nine times.
If a Monk throws a hissy fit, is it a temple tantrum?
I once worked at a factory that made boat paddles. The starting pay was ten dollars an oar.
My first job was peddling designer clothing. I was a Dior to Dior salesman.
The most popular operation for orthopaedic surgeons is upper-leg surgery: very hip.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
What part of a cemetery is best for burying guns? The muzzleum.
There was a hiring freeze at the ice-skating rink.
The retired track official has started forgetting things. He has old timer's disease.
When asked what it takes to be a great cook the chef said that it boils down to beating the other chefs to the cutting edge recipes.
A baby seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender. "Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal.
Abstinence leaves a lot to be desired.
Show me someone in denial and I'll show you a person in Egypt up to their ankles.
I ordered whole wheat toast but it tasted funny. I think something was awry.
Help stamp out, eliminate and abolish redundancy
Molecules boiling points vary to some degree.
I don't mind kids playing hopscotch in most places, but my driveway is where I draw the line.
Cannibals like to meat people.
When they bought a water bed, the couple started to drift apart.
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
The truth may ring out like a bell, but it is seldom ever tolled.
In some places fog will never be mist.
Past, Present and Future walked into a Bar. It was tense.
What you seize is what you get.
I used to sell computer parts, but then I lost my drive.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
Did you hear about the bear that was hit by an 18-wheeler and splattered all over the place? They said it was a grizzly accident.
A pediatrician is a doctor of little patients.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
What is the difference between a miser and a canary? One's a little cheap and the other is a little cheeper.
I used to work for H&R Block, but it was just too taxing.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
A summer is a mathematician.
I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed. (G. Carlin)
Some Spanish government employees are Seville servants.
What is the difference between a well dressed man and a dog? The man wears a suit, the dog just pants.
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns hoping at least one of the puns would win but, unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Why was the tired knight's butt like a mythical beast? His Ass was Dragon
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
What do you call a cow who gives no milk? A milk dud (or an udder failure).
The skeleton was trying tibia little humerus.
I saw a beaver movie last night, it was the best dam movie I've ever seen.
He reminded me the speed limit was 60, but I didn't understand, he was speaking a mile a minute.
When the presidential candidates campaign in rural areas, do they take a straw poll? When they campaign in forested areas do they give stump speeches?
I used to be a Velcro salesman, but couldn't stick with it.
The sheep rustler who broke out of jail is now on the lam.
What Disney movie is about a gal who couldn't rise above a housecleaning position? The Little Mere Maid
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
What is the breed of canine that easily forgets his place on the trail? Wherewolf
When the scientist wanted to clone a deer, he bought a doe it yourself kit.
Mooning is lunacy.
Why did the pig stop sunbathing? He was bacon in the heat.
We're expecting fallout from the recent layoffs at the nuclear plant.
I was too busy drinking to notice that all my cigarettes had gone ashtray.
A funny criminal is a silicon.
The athlete claimed he long jumped over 25 feet. Actually his best jump only measured 23 feet. This was a clear case of leap fraud.
I think I'm going to hire the same landscaper I used last year - he was really easy to get a lawn with.
The golfer guessed that his ball landed 20 feet off the fairway. Of course, that was just a rough estimate.
Did you hear about the owl that fell for twin comedians and had two wits to woo?
A golf course is a foreground.
I wrote a novel about a fellow who had a small garden. It didn't have much of a plot.
A prefix is what a man does just before his wife has a word with a tradesperson.
I wanted to lose weight so I went to the paint store. I heard I could get thinner there.
November: We start the month out stuffing ballots to elect some turkey, we end the month stuffing a turkey to increase our ballast.
My dog was mustard-colored. That made him a Gulden Retriever.
That gas pump must be sick. It doesn't fill well.
My cartography job is really going to put me on the map.
When the doctor asked the editor how he was doing, he said he had a problem with his circulation.
My friend said that if Watergate had happened in Scotland they would've had Scotch tape.
The origami artist won the court case because he was good with paperwork.
'Because' is a word to the whys.
Spoilsport is the harbor where booty is shipped in.
If there was someone selling drugs in this place, weed know.
It is tough to do inventories in Afghanistan because of the tally ban.
A red blood count is a communist vampire.
When the swimmer recovered from her stroke she decided to dive right into kicking her bad habits.
The best way to make a baseball bat is to carve it by hand. Using a machine is just lathe-y.
It's the barbecue I've always wanted - the grill of my dreams!
The seed company turfed out my idea for ready made lawn.
I know a rancher who has 100 head of cattle, but he thought there were only 99 until he rounded them up.
I support both of my wives very well. I think that's big o' me.
The pod vegetables I bought for the gumbo I was making were so-so. They were medi-okra.
During my trip to Italy, I didn't do much. I just vegged out. When in Rome, do as the Romaines.
My new theory on inertia doesn't seem to be gaining momentum.
A surgeon's comments are incisive remarks.
Eve showed up one morning wearing flowers instead of a fig leaf. She was the first woman to wear bloomers.
I was in the linen trade, but gave it up. Too much toile.
When I bought some fruit trees the nursery owner gave me some insects to help with pollination. They were free bees.
A funeral ship is a sea hearse.
Eugene O'Neil once wrote a play about a visit from an optometrist. He called it, 'The Eyes Man Cometh.'
Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.
A TV repairman's job is to get set to work.
Michelangelo's David is superior to postmodern sculpture - it's an artifact.
He won the twister contest hands-down.
How can you get a drywall plasterer to finish the job? They barely start and then they stop.
Does Santa take his sleigh to his magic class or does he take a luge in?
Before becoming a philosopher, Kant worked quality control on a vineyard. His most famous book is 'The Critique of Pure Raisin.'
